Tuesday, September 16

So I said that would be my last post. Well, I lied. Yahoo! is giving me free broadband in Japan one last time... at the airport in Tokyo. I spent Friday night making a mad dash to get the apartment cleaned up and back to Kyoto. Saturday I slept, shopped, and partied until I had to leave for the overnight bus. Apparently I missed a certain girl from Okayama getting completely wasted afterwards, but fear not, it:s all preserved on Tim:s camera...

I ate so well this weekend. Izakaya, tofu, (Japanese) McDonald:s, all-you-can-eat shabu shabu and sukiyaki, toast with Hokkaido milk jam, Mos Burger, Hokkaido beer, Hokkaido corn, and eel.

Maybe I should have been more concerned about the fact that the Lawson people sending my suitcase to the airport didn:t seem to know what they were doing. I told them clearly that I needed it to be at Narita for a flight today, and they asked me what time, and I told them. I had them look over the form. All three of the clerks looked at this form. I thought the extra attention would mean they should take care of any problems.

So I:m getting ready to go this morning and I get a call from Eiko. Lawson had my luggage sent to...the Stanford Center? Seems the form had the sending and receiving addresses switched, although neither the three Lawson people nor the takkyubin company thought it odd that a big suitcase was being sent from Nara with a return address of a JAL flight from Tokyo that hadn:t happened yet...

I get to the airport and discover that I can get the flight changed to tomorrow for free, and use Tim:s JR pass to get back to Kyoto for free to pick it up. So I:m all prepared to do that when Christine discovered that even though she had mailed stuff to the US already, her suitcase (and by suitcase, I mean body bag) was seven kilos overweight. The only way she could get it all back was if I checked a bag of her stuff.

Let me just say that Eiko is the bomb. She:s going to ship my stuff to me, repacking it into two smaller suitcases because it:s too big. And...she used her ninja powers of mind control to get Lawson to pay for it. So I:ll hopefully get my luggage back in two months.

Lessons Learned from the Japanese:
  • Only one bathroom in Tokyo-eki is open at 6:30 AM. And the escalators down to it don:t work. Grr...
  • All white guys look alike. Which leads me to my next point,
  • Apparently, I look like Keanu Reeves (despite having neither the same color hair nor eyes) and JFK.
  • White guys can:t use chopsticks either.
  • You can fit a lot of luggage in 32 kg. But Christine can somehow try to bring more back.


Y:arrgh. But this time tomorrow I:ll be in the (dry) sun of California... whoo hoo!

Friday, September 12

Well, the time has come. I'm packing away my modem and giving up my free broadband. I might be going nearly nine days without an Internet connection. So it may be a while before you hear from me.

Japan's been great, and I've had a great time hanging out with everyone except Mike Orme, who gives me cancer every time I see him.

My experiences as a gaijin wandering Japan will etched in this blog, as permanent as the dotcom that lets me publish it for free.

Catch you on the flip side...

Thursday, September 11

The little village of Kizu where I (and exactly 423 other gaijin)'ve been living may not have much nightlife or even a 24-hour konbini, but apparently it does have its own space-time...

When one of your colleagues in the government, say a foreign minister negotiating with North Korea, gets a bomb threat, what would be the responsible thing for the governor of Tokyo to say? "He deserved it," of course! At least the US government isn't the only one with hardline wackos in power.
Presentation: done. Work: still going. Just tomorrow left... Big suitcase: takkyubin'd.

As if to give me the finger for walking out on it after our six-month relationship, Japan slapped me with a $70 phone bill for the past three months. For a phone I don't even use. Grr...

As I was walking home from work this group of kids sitting around saw me started murmuring in hushed tones: "Amerika-jin! Amerika-jin!" (An American! An American!), as if I were the Loch Ness Monster or something. So, as I walked by I couldn't help myself: "Ee, amerika-jin desu yo." (Yeah, I am an American! [Punk!]). They were in awe. Ahh... I'm going to miss that dual citizenship--being both a god and a demon foreigner. Ah well.

Things I?fm Not Going To Miss:

  • Kyoto City (the Japanese pronounce it shitty) Bus. Even the Marguerite is better than this.
  • Irasshaimase! (Welcome!). Try screaming it in a really loud obnoxious high-pitched voice and multiply it by the number of people who work in a typical store and you?fll see why.
  • Tenacious old Japanese ladies. Woe be to the unsuspecting lad, twice their size though he may be, who?fs standing in their way.
  • Whiny little Japanese gyaru. There is such a thing as too cute.
  • Humidity. It?fs be nice to go all day without being covered in sweat.

Tuesday, September 9

If there's a good reason for this, I'd love to know what it is:

No, this bill didn't get bleached or ride up Mt. Fuji with me in a rainstorm. It's actually turning...peach?!
It was 100-yen ($.85) night at the grocery store last night. I was gonna go crazy, but... I'm moving out in three days. Nevertheless, my dinner did cost me only Y200, plus 100 each for a quart of acerola juice (quite possibly the most random thing to be on sale) and...shoe cream. mmm, shoe cream...

Somehow I managed to get a cankersore on my tongue. How is a mystery to me, although it might have something to do with the cheapest Japanese toothpaste I could find. It really sucks, much more than ordinary ones. I've been slurring my speech all week. And I have to talk for an hour on Thursday. Any ideas for magic remedies? I've tried Listerine and salt water, but I'm holding off on cutting off my tongue because I think that might actually hurt just a little bit more.

Top Things I'm Going To Miss:
  • $.85 sushi, umbrellas, teacups, underwear? okay, maybe not underwear.
  • Free tissues on every corner!
  • Trains. That actually run on time, are faster than cars, and run on the weekends.
  • Karaoke. Yes, I know you can do it in the US. But not at the United States of Karaoke. Or any of the other dozen or so karaoke places that dot a city like Kyoto. Does Palo Alto have karaoke? If it did, it would close at 9. How could you do all-night karaoke? And where else can you sing Fantamu obu za Opera in Japanese?
  • The microcosm of dirty salarymen openly reading porn, gaijin toting their travel guides, women in kimono, girl twins in matching outfits, and the random asleep guy falling on the shoulders of his neighbors, all on the same train.
  • Mos Burger! Mmm? one of the few Japanese chains to get hamburgers right.
    Starbucks. I don't know what I'm going to do in a city without these places on every other corner--oh, wait. Oops.
  • My keitai! I could get one just as cool in the US I suppose, but I'd have to pay for it. And paying to receive someone else's phone call (or e-mail) just doesn't seem right...
  • KFC (or just Kantakki here) These really are rarer in the US.
  • Engrish. I've almost gotten used to it here. But still.
  • Qoo. That sweet, sugary drink, more syrupy even than Hi-C?
  • Impressing the hell out of people by uttering two words in their native tongue. I know I'm white, but really now...

Monday, September 8

I just got back from my last dinner with my host family. My host mother didn't mince words: "wow, your Japanese has gotten worse!" So, inspired by Mike's blog (OK, so I ripped the idea off him completely), here are some of my biggest and best Japanese blunders:


  • Do you have something to put on your hand when you hold something that's too hot?
  • On my work: There are these big animals that want to eat little animals but the little animals are too fast. So by themselves they can't do it. But together they can. But in a computer?. Just like in The Matrix, those agents--they can think, they can learn. But they're programs. I'm making these animal programs. It's hard to explain in Japanese.
  • Agent: Do you have a [Japanese] student ID?
    Me: I'm sorry, I can't speak Japanese.
    Agent: Is there a problem?
    Me: I'm sorry. I'm going to get a friend who can speak Japanese to call you back in a few minutes.
  • Which sake has small rice added to it?
  • Me: Where is the alcohol?
    Clerk: Beer?
    Me: No, Japanese alcohol. Alcohol.
  • Tomomi: My English is terrible.
    Me: No, it�fs really good. You�fve only been studying a few years but still you haven�ft quite gotten good at English yet.
    Tomomi: Oh.
  • KFC Clerk: Is eating here all right? [instead of take-out]
    Me: Qoo, please.
    KFC: Excuse me?
    Me: As for a drink, I�fd like a Qoo, please.
    KFC: Yes, one Qoo. Will you be eating here?

Thursday, September 4

Today I realized a month-long dream: I had breakfast at Mister Donut (oddly enough, a Japanese chain even though it claims to be from Boston and SF Chinatown). Mmm...donuts...

I could have gone to Lawson, but I'll never look at that place the same way. Ari pointed out this group of Japanese guys that hangs out there every single night. Proof that there's not that much to do near my station at night...
Samba?But the weekend wasn't all pain and near-death experiences... we started off on an overnight bus to Tokyo. The idea behind the overnight bus is that you can sleep on it; you get on at 10 in Kyoto, and wake up at 6 in Tokyo. So why does the freakin' bus stop every two hours? Do you really need a rest stop if you're asleep? Of course, since I woke up each time they turned on the lights and stopped the bus I actually got off once, but still...

When we finally woke up after not much sleep and headed for the Tsukiji Fish Market. The novelty lasted about ten minutes. We saw some biig fish and almost got run over by carts. But we had some awesome maguro don (tuna with rice) with the freshest tuna I've ever had... (mmm... tuna)... for breakfast.

Eventually we made our way to a samba festival. Which was...amusing. Tons of people showed up for this thing, as if there were nothing better to do in Tokyo. The cops were out in full force doing crowd control, which is how we ended up standing on a crosswalk packed in with a bunch of Japanese people, including an old lady who spent the hour virtually straddling Crystal.

Pirates?The parade consisted of a few kids' marching bands (yawn), some half-naked dancers dancing nothing that even remotely resembled salsa, and...pirates? Volleyball players? Judo students? So it was that, unimpressed, we conga-lined out of there. (Seriously, it got people to get out of our way...)
Courtesy of Karen... Proof that climbing Fuji could have been harder...

Wednesday, September 3

I always new it was a sick, sadistic mind that came up with Lisp...
malevole - Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer?

Tuesday, September 2

I never thought I'd say this about a romantic comedy, but I actually want to see this movie. Maybe it's because it's Bill Murray. Or maybe because it's about my life--a gaijin in Japan, minus the romance. They even filmed part of this in Kyoto--a nice departure from a Hollywood where modern Japan consists of just Tokyo and Okinawa...
A wise man climbs Fuji-san once, a fool attempts the climb twice.
--Japanese proverb

Fuji...afterThose ancient Japanese were onto something. We'd all heard the sunrise view from the top of Fuji was a once-in-a-lifetime awesome experience. And maybe it is. I wouldn't know. But we were lured by this nonetheless, and so Saturday night around 8 we arrived at the 5th station (about 2000 m up), all pumped and ready to climb. "We" were a handful of SCTI people, plus a whole bunch of UC people Rajiv knew and a couple Keio students we knew, whom we would all bond with a lot that night.

After paying $.50 to use the bathrooms, cleaning out all the shops of their food, and eating some really awful udon, we got ready to set off. The first warning sign was that two of the women--someone whose name starts with K and someone with Pooh obsession--didn't bring warm clothes. (One thought she could hike all night on Fuji in a short-sleeve T-shirt.) We managed to find enough extra shirts and stuff for them and started off. The weather wasn't too bad, although the wind started picking up and blowing dirt in our faces. By the time we reached the eighth station around 1 AM, it had begun misting and we started hearing reports that it was getting dangerous to go further. By then our group had splintered into a few groups.

The baka: (stupid) Jonathan, Rajiv, and some guy from UC went all the way up to the summit. By the time we got there they were already at the ninth station, and Rajiv called to tell us (yes, cell phones even work on the top of Mt. Fuji... gotta love Japan...) it wasn't that hard to keep going. We were tempted to believe him but the wind was picking up and the innkeeper at the 8th station was telling us visibility was near zero. But they went up anyway, and as you can see in Jonathan's blog, they nearly died trying.

We decided that we didn't really want to risk it, and seeing it getting cloudier (and now pitch black on the trail) we figured we wouldn't be able to see the sunrise from any higher up anyway. The innkeeper wanted $50 to let us spend the few hours left till sunrise inside, which most of us balked at. So we took shelter against the wall outside, cuddling together for shared body heat. Amazing how in survival situations like this all inhibitions disappear and people you just met are now lying on top of you to keep warm.

As the hours went by, a second group, the okanemochi (rich), decided to plunk down the money for the slightly warmer (but definitely drier) inn. Eventually, Audrey, Crystal, Jeff Yao, and the Keio people caved.

The bimbo: (poor) The rest of us were hunkering down both against the strengthening storm and the evil innkeeper. He came out to yell at us for blocking a part of his entrance, as if we were keeping a flood of people from getting in. After his rant about how this was private property (in curiously good, but obviously rehearsed English), we moved down the wall and further into the direct wind. Now it was starting to rain and we were getting wet. Before long the inn filled up and the demon innkeeper started turning people away.

Eventually we spied this big tarp lying around that no one was using. So being the enterprising engineers we were, we made ourselves a little makeshift tent. And it was nice and dry--and warm. We were just mastering the art of keeping it against the wind and thinking this wouldn't be that bad a way to spend the night when a strong force started tugging at the tarp. We fought against it but next thing we knew we were looking at the innkeeper, grinning ear to ear as he tore our shelter away. He then proceeded to spend the next 15 minutes trying to fold it up in the gale-force winds. The man came out of his packed little inn into this powerful storm just to torment a few gaijin who couldn't pay for a night's stay even if they wanted to.

The rain was getting harder, and a couple of the women were now shivering uncontrollably. So we decided to head back down the mountain. Which was not easy since it was a) night, b) windy, and c) wet and slippery. We passed a number of people who told us we were crazy. And we didn't all have working flashlights by that point. But in a testament to just how much we'd bonded over the past few hours huddling against the wind, some real teamwork emerged as we shared the light and helped each other down. At each stop along the way we checked for the prospect of shelter. But each time we were turned away, and even shushed so the guests inside could sleep.

Around 4, in front of one of the seventh-station inns, Christine was on the brink of hypothermia. So she and Tim spent the night there (fortunately this inn was the first we reached willing to take in a freezing girl) and the rest of us continued. About half an hour later we came across another inn whose owner was still up and on inquiry offered us $4 cocoa. A small price to get out of the rain, we reasoned, so we stayed there until the sunrise, if you could call it that. But despite the fact that he could plainly see we were soaking wet (we all stripped off our outer two or three layers as soon as we walked in) he left the window open and later threw the door wide open, in a not-so-subtle attempt to get us to leave. But he was mostly absorbed with radioing weather observations about the storm (observations that might have been useful had we be informed of them on the way up) so he didn't seem to care.

The sunrise was pretty bimio (not-so-good), but the sky did become brighter--it went from black to gray. Not really feeling that much warmer, we resolved to keep moving, emboldened by visibility. We made it to the bottom by 7, as the winds became brutal. The warm "rest house" felt soo good after all that. Vince and the UC people bailed on the first bus out, along with a mass exodus of people who were finding the winds too strong to climb up. By noon no one was trying to go up anymore. So Karen and I waited to hear from everyone else. It didn't help that the cell phones, which worked perfectly on top of the mountain, here worked only outside at this one point where the winds seemed to attack you from all sides. I kept venturing out trying in vain to contact people, staying outside as long as I could bear.

By chance I saw Audrey on one of these trips, who had left the okanemochi to try and find the baka, only to find the winds which were bad enough down here making it really unsafe to go to the summit. A few hours later, again by chance outside, I ran into Jonathan, who was so happy to be alive he promptly fell asleep at our refugee center upstairs. Eventually everyone else made it down, and Christine seemed healthy if a bit tired. Really it is nothing short of a miracle that we all made it down alive.

Were this an American national park, we certainly would have heard about life-threatening conditions like these somewhere along the way. But no. For a national icon and frequently climbed attraction, there's nothing hospitable or tourist-friendly about this mountain. Shop and inn owners extort as much money as they can out of people and don't really give a toot about the ones not paying, be they freezing or not. The restaurants all sucked, and there was not a trash can anywhere at any of the stations we stopped at. The information desk and every other store clerk feigned ignorance about the buses, telling us to go stand in the massive line for simple questions about the schedule, as if it changed every day.

We all solemnly (with varying degrees of cursing) vowed never to return to that mountain. In the end we got a few nice views...at the bottom of our climb. That's right--we could have hiked half an hour up, stayed there, and seen more than the people who went to the summit. Y'arrrgh...

Monday, September 1

Quick Fuji update: All the SCTI people safely made it down Fuji, somehow. It brought some people to the brink of hypothermia or death, but we all made it, including Christine. Since I for some reason went to work today, I'm dead tired and so at 9:30, too tired to write lucidly, I'm going to bed. So tune in tomorrow for the full account, "Fuji: the Baka, the Bimbo, and the Bimio."