nice try

to the tune of: Ordinary Day by Vanessa Carlton

There's something empowering about closing an account. Like dumping an abusive girlfriend or dropping an abusive class. I called Chase and got some lady speaking broken English in a very thick Chinese accent, who immediately transferred me to an "account supervisor". Apparently threatening to close your account means you merit people who actually speak English. This supervisor tried all these tactics to get me to stay:

• Offering to block all those damn Payment Protector sales calls and e-mails. Finally!
  
• Wishing me a happy belated birthday. My personal favorite, since my birthday was a month ago.
  
• Offering to lower my APR. Aw, that's sweet of them. Make it easier for me to carry a balance. NO!
  
• Lecturing me on how important it is to pay my bills. Um, what the hell? So I missed a couple payments and I'm ditching them for a card that, among other things, sends me reminders when I haven't paid the bill.
  

Nope. Not even tempted. It's over.

Would you throw a pie at a lecturer for charity? How about a course advisor? It's been suggested that I put my, er, whipped cream where my mouth is and put myself on the block just like the lecturers. And sure, I'd do it, but would anyone actually have reason to throw a pie at me? It's not like I gave them a rough midterm or something...